writerschoice

Emily's writing world!!!!

I’m back! October 26, 2011

Filed under: Fantasy — emily651 @ 3:28 pm
Tags: , , ,

Sorry I haven’t posted anything in a long time.  I couldn’t get on because I forgot my password.  I am all set now!  This is something I wrote over the summer.  Let me know what you think.

True Friends 

          Once upon a time a girl named Elizabeth Ann Shy moved toPinewood Street. Elizabeth was the shy one in her family.  She had three sisters and two brothers.  Her brothers were brave and daredevils.  They even asked to change their last name to brave or daredevil. Elizabeth of course, didn’t like that idea but she was too apprehensive to tell them that. 

          Elizabethwas starting 5th grade and didn’t have any friends.  She was too reluctant to make any. Elizabeth was lab partners with Kelly.  Kelly was the most ill-tempered, pesky, rotten girl in the entire school.  She put tacks on the teachers chair and stuck her chewed gum everywhere.  She treated other kids horribly and always laughed when they were hurt.

        One day,Elizabeth was on her way to school when a large wind pushed her. Elizabeth had to fight the wind but it was so powerful that she went flying back and her head hit a tree.  She was out cold! 

        Elizabeth woke up fifteen minutes later and realized she was on top of a cloud.  She screamed!  Within seconds, she began to fall through the cloud. Elizabeth fell as fast as lightening.  Luckily, the powerful wind caught her and made her fall slower.  She landed in a thick pile of leaves. Elizabeth was Ok however she broke her arm. 

        Luckily, her babysitter Morgan was outside raking leaves.  Morgan didn’t even realize Elizabeth had fallen into her leaf pile.  Her dog Buster did!  He barked nonstop.  Finally, Morgan noticed and helped Elizabeth.

        Elizabeth wondered about the wind.  It was really weird that day.  She was hoping that whatever she experienced was over.  It was only the beginning!

 Chapter 2   Strange Voices

       Elizabeth didn’t have to go to school for the next three days.  When she finally went back, she noticed that she was the only one without a friend in the whole entire school.  She sat by herself at recess while everyone else went on the monkey bars and swings.  To make things worse, Kelly decided to show Elizabeth who was boss around school. Elizabeth escaped with only a black eye.

        As Elizabeth was walking home from her miserable day at school, the strange wind came again.  This time, it wasn’t as strong.  “Who are you?” Elizabeth screamed.

“A lonely girl wanting a friend,” the voice whispered. 

“Show yourself,”Elizabeth struggled to speak. 

        All of a sudden, the wind formed into the shape of a beautiful girl.  Her hair was as black as the darkest midnight sky.  She had shining blue eyes and a long white dress with flowers the color of spring.  She looked like an angel.  

Chapter 3  Wishes

        Elizabeth and the wind girl became instant friends.  They started walking home and Elizabeth saw a shooting star.  She crossed her fingers and made a wish.  “I wish that I didn’t have a black eye and broken arm anymore!”

“Um, uh,Elizabeth, there is something I need to tell you.  I am just like a genie and can grant three wishes to anyone.  There are a couple of rules though.  You can not wish for more wishes and the rest are not really important.”

“Wait a minute.  Genies always make something bad happen.  If someone wishes to be as strong as an elephant, they end up turning into an elephant.” Elizabeth explained. 

“I don’t do that!” Charlotte, the wind girl, said.  And with a wink of her eye, music started playing as her black eye disappeared along with her broken arm.

“Sweet,” Elizabeth shouted.

Spying on the two friends from a distance was Kelly.  She knew that if she had Charlotte for herself, she could be the most powerful girl on the planet.  An evil plan started in her mind. 

 Chapter 4  The evil plan

 The following day,Elizabethwent to school as usual. Charlotte stayed home alone waiting for her BFF.  All of a sudden,Charlotte heard a terrible scream.  She flew as fast as she could to where she had heard the scream.  She went into a room where it was as black as coal. Charlotte heard the door close behind her.  The light flickered. Charlotte saw the face of Elizabeth’s worst nightmare, Kelly.  A mischievous grin grew across Kelly’s face. 

“I’ve got you now,” Kelly shouted.  “For my first wish, I wish to be the richest person in the universe!” 

Charlotte thought to herself as the music began to play, “what a greedy, stubborn, awful child she is.”

Elizabeth heard the familiar music from school and knew something bad had just happened. 

 She bolted out of her class and followed the music.  She ended up in front of Kelly’s revolting house.  The door creaked open.  The house looked abandoned and haunted at the same time.  The floor squeaked as Elizabeth walked up the stairs cautiously, hoping they would not break. 

There were twelve rooms up there but only one of the rooms belonged to Kelly.  Luckily, the music was still guiding her. Elizabeth tried to open the door and found it locked.  She went to the room right next it.  This one wasn’t locked.  She slipped in and opened a window.  She jumped out of it and right onto the roof.  She walked softly across the roof to Kelly’s window. Elizabeth found Kelly making her second wish.  “My second wish is to be the ruler of this planet.” 

Before Charlotte granted the wish and Elizabeth heard the music, Elizabeth grabbed Charlotte’s hand and pulled her out of the window.  They landed safely on the ground and began sprinting home.  Kelly was left alone in the dark room wondering what had just happened.  

“Charlotte,” Elizabeth demanded, “I wish that Kelly was nice and had friends.”  Music started playing immediately. 

 Chapter 5  Freedom

           The next foggy morning Elizabeth saw Kelly actually enjoying herself.  She saw that everyone was happy.  She then thought of Charlotte.  “Charlotte is under other people’s control as long as she is granting wishes.  She doesn’t have the freedom to do what she wants.”

          When Elizabeth got home, the first thing she did was say, “Charlotte, I would like to make my final wish.” 

Charlotte looked relieved to have this wishing thing over with.  She thought the final wish might be a greedy wish as that is what most people would do.

Elizabethwas not like most people.  “Charlotte, you are free now.  You do not have to grant wishes anymore.  I just want you to be my friend and not my wish maker. 

Music played for the last time.  A huge wind flew by.  Charlotte was no longer a wind girl.  She now was a regular girl and Elizabeth’s best friend.

Advertisements
 

One Response to “I’m back!”

  1. jkornoely Says:

    Well done L.G.

    My goodness. You are on your way to greatness.

    I enjoyed the way you crafted your sentences. Your sentence structure reminds me of another master writer by the name of Ernest Hemingway. When you’re up for a great book, try The Old Man and the Sea. I think you’ll easily find resemblances between your style and Mr. Hemingway’s. He writes efficiently and simply, as you do. He often describes what something is, rather than what it is not. He is not over the top in his descriptions. He is direct. In fact, he was once quoted saying, “If you have to use the word “very” you need to find a different word.”

    Your opening paragraph, in my opinion, is 85% perfect. The missing 15% resides in two places. The first place is starting with “One upon a time…” Now this story has some fairytale elements, but I read it as a fantasy story, firmly rooted in realistic fiction. That seems contradictory, but it happens a lot in modern writing these days. Think: Twilight series, and Wizards of Waverly Place among others. Now you can junk my opinion if you meant your story to be a fairytale.

    The second place I feel you could triumph over the remaining 15% is you could be very creative (oops I used the word very. Let me try again.) The second place I feel you could triumph over the remaining 15% is to show us *how* Elizabeth is shy. You know that old author’s trick of show me, don’t tell me, right? You told us about her brothers not being shy, that they wanted to change their last name, and that she was too “apprehensive” (great word use BTW), to tell them. Other than that, I’m not convinced that she is the shiest of the Shy…are you convinced? Convince me already.

    The story flows well. You crafted the main events in a simple, and effective manner. With a little more massaging, I think you’ll have a story that could earn some serious cheddar for a 5th grader. That is, if you have the guts to submit one. Well, do you?

    Write. Write everyday. No matter what it is. Write. As long as writing is fun, you’ll continue to create these wonderful stories. Writing is spilling out of you, and your readers benefit from it.

    Till next time.

    Mr. Kornoely


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s